“You are not going anywhere, let alone Ladakh!”, my dad yelled at me. “I am and I will! Even if its hard and proves to be the last trip”, I yelled back, shutting the door on his face. I crawled into my bed and started crying and yelling and blaming them for everything wrong and hard in my life. Right from having asthma since birth to being currently unemployed, I blamed them for everything.
Now when I look back and think about the things I said, I feel so horrible about myself. I was never like this before. I never used to blame things upon others. I used to take responsibility for what goes on in my life. Then what exactly changed in recent years? What made me think so? Is it my depression and anxiety talking? Am I becoming a lazy moron who blames others for everything bad and does nothing to correct it? And many such thoughts popped into my head one after another. I started thinking, as it is one of the few things I do the best. I thought about what changed in the last couple of years. I got depressed. Now the reason of depression is unknown. And that is how it works I think. You just don’t know whats bugging you. You don’t feel happy even when you have no reason to be sad and you have every or at least a couple of things to be happy about. You just feel empty and hollow inside. This started then. This blame game!
Because that was the easiest thing to do. I did not want to take the responsibility for the different and indeed a difficult path I chose for myself. Over the years, the problem worsened. I started blaming people around me and when I found nobody, I blamed that upon my fate. I was the one who loved saying “Haathon ki lakeeron pe mat ja a ghalib…naseeb to unke bhi hote hain jinke haath nahin hote”, huge irony, I know! However, as I said, that was the easiest. Moreover, it was necessary for me to love myself even during my failure. Loving yourself is essential for everyone, more so for a depressed one. I was at fault when I allowed it to grow into a habit. I forgot that a part of loving yourself demands introspections and improving and developing yourself into a better person. I forgot that I don’t have to be such a jerk and blame everything upon others. Life is not all about the easy things, it has its fair share of difficult ones too! I think that is the thing with millennials. Not all but some of us! We just can’t deal with failures. We try to measure our lives using the scale of others. We have some fixed criteria to define success. A car, a house, foreign trips, parties and what not. We as a society do not cease for a moment to judge a fish by its ability to fly. Well then the fish is ought to fail! If one chooses a different path, he/she gets different obstacles to deal with. If one is differently able, he/she has different challenges ahead. If one belongs to any rigidly structured family, he/she has totally different shit to deal with. Hence the criteria for success has to be different for different individuals. And while “loving myself”, I forgot this too. So instead of analyzing and overcoming the obstacles I faced, I remained inactive, I failed and blamed that upon others.
Now that I know where it all went wrong, I am going to mend my ways. Depression or anxiety…whatever it is… it is going to stay with me. It is as much a part of me as anything else, no matter how dark it is! All I am going to do, I guess, is not let it overpower my senses. I am gonna try to be the girl who decided to go for it. No matter how hard and far it seems. The game is on. It’s never too late to do the right thing.
Anupam roy ji ke shabdo mein hi kaha jaaye to “Jeene ki ye kaise aadat lagi, bematlab karze chadh gaye.Haadson se bach ke jaate kahaan, sab rote hanste seh gaye. Ab ghalatiyan jo maan li toh theek hai, Kamzoriyon ko maat di to theek hai!”.